A black apron featuring an embroidered design on the front. A cast-iron skillet full of bacon and eggs with the sounds of grease popping sits between the words First Rule of Cooking, Don't Do It Naked. One of my ex-girlfriends tried to cook me breakfast naked one time as a treat, and the bacon decided it wanted to have a competition with her over who was hotter. The bacon grease won. So, if you're going to have your ass cheeks hanging out in the morning while you cook, at least cover the front with this apron.

Thanks to this embroidered apron you don't have to worry about keeping your clothes clean when cooking- especially since it comes with something dirty already on it! The neck loop and long ties ensure one size will fit most people. The two front pockets are extra handy whenever you're feeling like playing a game of pocket pool or you need a place to stuff your secret sauce. With the quality embroidery on the front of it, you're sure to draw some attention at whatever cookout you unleash this hell upon.

• 70% polyester, 30% cotton
• Fabric weight: 9 oz/yd² (305 g/m²)
• Size: 20″ × 30″ (50.8 cm × 76.2 cm)
• Adjustable neck loop and long ties
• Two front pockets
• Blank product sourced from China, original design or corporate riff by Red Pawn